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stolen from lovewaste  :D

( 100 books to read )

I just finished reading (finally!) my first book of the year. Kitchen Chinese by Ann Mah. It really made me think about many things, and in so many ways, I felt like I could connect with the character. Mainly of her being better in English than in Chinese and being almost completely lost in her so called "hometown".

Recently, I've been starting to listen to more Chinese pop. I think my new found love for Khalil Fong (方大同) says quite a bit. I've also had this urge to go and learn the Erhu, a chinese instrument. And I've been speaking more Chinese here and there too. I realise that I actually need some Chinese words to actually express myself sometimes. I think I'm going through some Chinese phase or something, it's really a little weird. But anyway, I do feel a little regretful now that I did not find as much interest as I have now in the Chinese language.

Well, ever since primary school, I never liked the language and struggled with it. It was always a burden to me more than anything, and now, it has somehow chosen to come back to me, nudging me to learn it, improve my Chinese, and remind me that I'm actually a Chinese. And now that I think back, I think I might have actually loved the language or could even had interest in the language if I had taken half the initiative to converse in it more. The weird thing is, I never thought of Chinese as an ugly language, and have always thought of my lack of Chinese speaking capabilities as embarrassing. Why wasn't this a big enough for me to want to study hard for my Chinese? I question myself, I regret.

Of course, I don't have much of a problem seeing myself as a Singaporean. But like the character in the story, I will definitely falter if I were to try to converse to someone who is a native speaker. I can't even converse well to a fellow Singaporean who speaks Chinese well. And I just realised that I do have a weird weird WEIRD slang when I sputter out some words. Ugh. Just the thought of it makes me sort of disgusted. I wonder if my knowledge of Chinese is also 'Kitchen Chinese', a term the author explains as "the familial chatter learned at her mother's knee". Basic, barely there, and just probably enough to get me some food.

I lost my phone.

Not just any phone. My HTC Incredible S. The phone i've been waiting for since i dont know when, the phone i treasured so much. But what hurts so much isn't like because the phone is extremely expensive and i lost it, but because of the sentimental value behind this phone.

If you knew of the story of what my dad said to me and what he did to get this phone for me, you would understand. I feel so unfilial and that i have let him down. My dad said he wouldn't even dare to buy such an expensive phone for himself but he did for me. To encourage me and because he knew i've been working hard. And this is the shit i do to him. What kind of daughter am I?

The worse part is, whenever i'm left alone or just by myself, or doing something that doesn't really occupy my whole mind, my mind will automatically stream to my phone. Like for example, if i'm going to board the LRT, i would think of how if i still had my phone, i would be reading news on my phone right now.

Another worse part is my phone is only 12 days old. and it's the most expensive phone i've ever got. Mainly, i just feel like i disappointed my parents, which is true and i can't help but beat myself up over it because this phone meant so much to me in every single way.

I was still praying so hard, hoping so hard, but now, there seems to be no more hope. 2 days have passed.

I feel like i need to punish myself. Set something for myself. To make up for this shit of a mess i've created. Well, i guess mainly for me. I really can't deal with this. I feel so disappointed in myself. All the questions, all the shit. What kind of an idiot loses a phone only 12 effing days old? Me.

I keep asking why didn't a nice person pick up my phone. Well, i answered my own question. If there were so many good people in this world, the world would be so peaceful.

I can't deal with it. I don't deserve anything. And I feel so shitty that my dad is now trying to get me a new EXACT phone. My heart breaks as i type this. This kind of heartbreak, wow. I finally understand why when korean idol stars send video messages on tv to their parents, they always tear up. I really do. This kind of heartbreak, just wow.

I don't think I will ever be able to get over this. Nope. Even after I get a new phone, even after everything.

This is even worse than 心痛. This is like ultimate heartbreak. To see your parents not blame you, try so hard to make up for your mistake, and just not blame you. I can't handle it that my dad still tries to buy back my phone. I just... feel so unfilial.

Sometimes I wonder if this is punishment for whatever bad things i've done in my life.